The motorhome code of practice

Having now been on several jollies in my lovely van, I’ve come across some unspoken rules and regulations that come with driving a motorhome and decided to note them down into an ‘official’ code. Compliance with this code is necessary at all the times and undermining the rules will lead to repeated and loud cries of “do you even motorhome, bro?”

  1. ALWAYS wave when you pass another motorhome on the road. If you don’t do this you’re basically a total impostor with no appreciation for the beauty of having an entire house on wheels. NB: If you’re feeling kind, campervans with pop-tops are also permitted to wave at, but if they can’t even stand up in their vehicle, they aren’t worth raising your arm for. *sips tea*
  2. Parking next to someone else in a motorhome must be followed with a great charade of winding down the windows and asking where the occupants are headed, where they’ve come from, the longest distance they’ve travelled and how long they’ve owned the vehicle. Nodding and smiling along for their entire chat is required, even if they go on an hour-long ramble about how they only bought the van because they weren’t permitted to bring their “gorgeous little moggy muffin meow pie” – that’s a cat, to those who aren’t off their fucking nuts – to any hotels. Okaaay…
  3. If there’s a queue of traffic behind you, pull over to let them pass. This isn’t only a nice gesture, but will entitle you to feel like the King of Manners. How thoughtful you are, for letting them all by! How generous of you to be so kind! You’ll just have to go and reward yourself with an entire dark chocolate Galaxy bar. What a shame. NB: If you don’t get a wave or hazard warning light flash of thanks in return, catch up with them and RAM THEM. Or at the very least, overtake and don’t let them by again. Muahahaha.
  4. Love thy neighbour. If you park up for the night next to other motorhomes and are approached by one of your new neighbours asking for a spatula, hoover bags or a spare set of falsies, you’d best believe you’ve got it and you’re going to hand it over. Otherwise, you might wake up to a nice wee scratch on the exterior of your precious house, or you’re blocked in so efficiently that not even a 62-point turn is gonna get you out of there. But this does entitle you to go and ask them for whatever ridiculous thing you’ve forgotten – even if you DO have the kitchen sink with you.
  5. Bragging to your friends is totally allowed. Oh, you’ve got to pitch a tent in the pissing rain? Let me watch you as I recline on my double sofa with a G&T. You forgot your roll matt? Sorry, there’s only room for one in this duvet den on my super-king-size bed. Your hotel won’t let you play music after 10pm? Sorry, not sure I can hear you over my mini soundsystem rave back here. NB: Yes, I know I’m a dick.

We used this official code for our adventures to the Isle of Skye last weekend – my post all about it is coming super soon!

 

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